Why give my girl professional qualifications when she cannot work? Why dream for her beautiful home when she would be the housekeeper? Why love her when every gesture of affection will be worth her pound of flesh? Why have a daughter at all?
I can understand why the Indian government needed to make in-vitreous sex-identification illegal. Because no one wants daughters. The suffering and struggles of daughters bring tears of helplessness to parents. Who wants to bargain for that?
My friends who have daughters- lovely talented young girls- proudly announce how they liven up the home; how they love them unconditionally; how they can make pasta and pie. Many of them are planning to pursue architecture and medicine. Most are diligent and I think they will make the cut. But in my heart, deep down, I know it’s a valid seat in a good college- gone wasted. They are going to get married to a worthy boy and have a few kids and learn the only talent that will matter - home science. The spark in their eyes will dim, the sword to rebellion will blunt and the dreams of winning the world will be locked away in the trunk with a sign - ‘You are Dead’.
When my son was in class V, the school invited all mothers to write their stories. The handwritten stories were put-up on boards outside the classrooms decorated with their children’s pictures. On the PTM day, as I stood there reading through the life stories of many of my son’s friend’s mothers, I realized that they came from a diverse background. From medical doctors, journalists, architects, to master’s degree in chemistry, economics and management – the education and talent was shocking because every day, I saw them outside the school to pick up their kids when the bell rang. It was a poignant moment when I realized I was one of them. Waiting for my son, waiting for my husband, waiting for my maid. Locked up in my home, finding some meaning in back-stage management of other’s lives. Day after day, every day - oscillating between family’s success and personal defeat.
Now, I know what you are thinking! What a negative, regressive, pessimistic view of the world. A world that is celebrating woman’s empowerment, woman’s progress, women’s day! But before the Bindi Brigade sharpens their claws to scratch me, just look at the numbers. According to the Ashoka University study on Returning Mothers, 50% of women drop out of career before the age of 30. And 48% of women leave their jobs within 4 months after returning to a job after maternity leave. The pressure to quit job increases and the support from family decreases as she has her second child, leading to more women dropping out of work.
At work, mothers face discrimination, long working hours and high-pressure tasks. Even when the organization is ‘accommodating’ and allow from ‘flexi’ timings and ‘work from home’ options, they simply ‘want the job done’. That’s good. That’s progress. Unfortunately, that also means giving everything you’ve got to your work. In a highly competitive work environment returning mothers often feel left out from deserving work and being sidelined from growth simply because they cannot work 14-hour days, do not want to constantly travel, need to pick up their children from the crèches. At home, they are unable to break away from the stereotypical role of a homemaker. If that does not dissuade you from quitting your job, then aging parent- in- laws, late night travelling on unsafe roads and unrelenting pleas from parents to be a good mother got to do it for you! Personally, working mothers constantly try to balance the needs to family, children and self and usually find themselves tiered, stressed, frustrated and guilt ridden.
But, instead, you could be a heartless, self-centric chick ready to compromise your familial responsibilities- in which case, you really have a shot at some semblance of success. Good for you! For the remainder, we fall in two categories:
The well-adjusted housewives (Let’s call them WAH): A shrinking small community in the society that has growing expectation of accomplishment and achievement. These are the lucky ones. Those who have accepted the reality of leaving their education, dreams, freedom behind and are content with following all societal norms and pleasing everyone around. The well-adjusted housewife learns and cooks favorite foods for the family, keeps the home clean, supports the children, greets the houseguests, obeys the elders. She also pays the bills, buys the grocery, keeps doctor’s appointments, visits the neighbors and drives to the school for PTM.
The second category is - Not-so-adjusted housewives (Let’s call them NAH): An increasingly expanding community that feels the constant interrogation at every gathering, social event and party - ‘what do you do?’ - a bitter reminder that she is a support system to other people’s aims, ambitions and achievements. There is nothing bad in dedicating your life to other’s cause. In fact, I think it’s quite noble. But society expects that women, all women - should be able to walk and chew gum at the same time! This expectation of constant and utopian perfection - where they should have been able to carve out a career while micro-managing home is a constant reminder of failures, missed opportunities and sacrifices. A frustrated, unhappy, lost lot trying keep their cracked personalities glued together!
The WAH is shrinking and NAH is expanding. In essence, more mothers are more unhappy! But why? This has a multi-layered answer, so stay with me!
First, as the Indian society progresses, parents are increasing cognizant of the reality that children- sons and daughters - should get the highest affordable education and should be able to support themselves. This is reinforced by government programs, civil society and influencers who push for girls to be equal partners in workforce. You could see siblings with heavy school bags and water-bottles lining for the school bus. They are equally pushed for high grades and compete for entrance examinations of premier institutes. So, girls are now acing most examinations. This is all good. This is also where the seed of the dissonance are sown. In the zeal of ensuring a comfortable future and life of their daughters, parents often neglect to prepare the daughters of the type of compromises and decisions that she may have to make. Neither is the society willing to adjust their expectation’s of a woman’s role. So, when a successful manager of 26 years has to marry a boy settled in another town, she negotiates a transfer, else quits her job. We have seen instances of these countless times! As she continues to give in to new realities, she also moves further and further away from her childhood dreams.
Second, WAH group live quiet, dedicated lives serving the family. When children reach college or a little before, the mothers are dropped from the confidant- friend status to house-keeping position. The children now are young adults with their own set of friends and are trying to spread their wings readying to fly. Homework, laundry, friendly chit chat, doctor’s visits, school drop-offs- and all the other little gestures that made the day-to day life convenient are no more required. Frankly, this is what WAH worked so hard for. But when it happens, it leaves her with a sense of purposelessness and a lot of time at her hands. It gives her time to think of her life- perhaps the first opportunity in many years. And she wakes up to the possibilities that she never pursued. Quickly, she shifts to the NAH category. Hence, the expanding NAH group.
Lastly, while norms around girl education and independence may be shifting, we still are far from giving an equal status to the married women and mothers. Let’s talk of the most celebrated trend-setters. Actresses. They have perhaps broken all norms that we as middle class expect to abide by. They go out, work in an industry rumored for all sorts of horrid going-ons, they party, have boyfriends, take exotic vacations. But how many have had long successful careers after a baby? As a society, we do not allow married women the same concessions that we give men. Why else would a husband cooking or picking up laundry is turned into such a big deal.
Until this generation, this has been a self-perpetuating legacy. Married girls invariably have to abide by the dictates of the mother-in-law. This reality drives the engine of ‘kitchen politics’ and the story plots, for decades, of saas-bahu TV soaps. However, we find ourselves moving away from the joint family format, living quietly as small nuclear units. This change is being driven by urbanization, migration for promising careers, aspirations for better lifestyles for children and rapid growth in transportation and communication. The break-down of the joint family system has been denounced for a plethora of reasons, it also brings with it an interesting opportunity for the shift in the household power dynamics. In the privacy of a small unit where extended family, intrusive neighbors and anonymity of a big populated city, a couple can shift their behavior without the pressure and judgement of community norms. So, when the husband picks up laundry or cooks dinner, there is only a happy wife to judge. This means that it is simpler to take collaborative decisions, break the cycle of NAH frustration and ensure that the next generation does not only celebrate Woman’s day but embraces its spirit as well.
